Violate a Man’s consent? Pfftt…

Is that even possible?

Yes, men can have their consent violated…and they do.

Though men won’t usually report it, they have their consent violated a lot more than we think. Women and men, grab their ass and fondle their junk. They have their personal space invaded and hands roam their bodies…all without consent.

Why don’t they report it? Why don’t we hear about these instances? Why don’t they write about them, explaining why they felt violated and why they didn’t speak up? Why don’t they refuse to go to parties where their predator lurks?

Since I am not a man, I can only say what I have been told by men and can theorize about why they don’t come forward…

It’s not manly.
Men are taught to be strong and protectors. Feelings are for women and would make a man appear weak and womanly. Other men would tease and ridicule a man for coming forward. He may get his man card revoked.

The person was really good looking
They were almost flattered and took the touch as more of a compliment, than a violation. They simply changed their feelings about what happened , in order to get through the moment. It isn’t wrong, it is a choice.

It wasn’t a big deal.
They simply don’t care that much about simple touching. They didn’t consent to it, but they realize that the persons intent wasn’t meant to cause harm. They may write it off as a bratty sub, misbehaving. Or they may feel that since no permanent damage was done, they don’t need to bring it up.

No one believes them.
More often than not, men are the predators. So when a man reports a consent violation, they have to fight against the beliefs that they are physically stronger than women and therefore, less vulnerable. We simply don’t acknowledge that a woman can intimidate or violate a man. That old saying, “You can’t rape the willing”, implies that men cannot be violated without their consent.

No drama.
Men want to avoid the drama associated with reporting a consent violation. More often than not, a mistake on someone’s part is blown out of proportion and a persons reputation is ruined in the community. People are viewed as guilty of being a predator with little proof and must prove their innocence. Seeing other men go through a Fetlife firing squad, makes men refrain from reporting when they feel violated.

Feel free to add your theories and reasons…

STOP trying to measure your self worth

There is no measure of your worth. There is nothing to compare to, because there is only one YOU. There is nothing to measure against.

You can try…but you will always fall short. Because we are always looking out, not in.

Can you measure your worth based on others? No.

Can you measure your worth based on society? No.

Can you measure your worth based on the money you make? No.

Can you measure your worth based on the possessions you own? No.

When you feel like you aren’t worthy…when doubts start creeping in…that is your instincts telling you that you are in a situation that isn’t healthy. Don’t ignore your gut…listen closely because it knows your worth.

If you are fucking your mentor, they are not your mentor!

A mentor is an experienced and trusted adviser. Usually a mentor is older, but emotional growth can also be a factor.

Mentoring someone should be taken seriously by both parties. It should not be entered into lightly. There should be discussions and agreements between parties. Both people should have a clear understanding of what is involved and what are the goals. Without clear and defined goals and objectives, there will never be any progression.

It isn’t about teaching someone how to use their new toys or how to sit at someone’s feet. Mentoring is about every aspect of the lifestyle. It’s about guiding and advising. It’s about learning from someone that has experienced it and gaining information for personal growth. It’s about being open and self aware. It’s about taking the advice and applying it as it was intended.

A mentor is a “trusted” adviser. You need to trust that they have YOUR best interest at heart. You need to trust that there isn’t a hidden agenda. You need to trust that feedback is given openly and honestly. A mentor relationship that can develop is deep and meaningful, but it is not sexual. Once a relationship turns sexual, it changes the whole dynamic.

Here’s a good rule of thumb:

If you are fucking your mentor…they are NOT your mentor. They are…something else.

My Triggers are MINE

I have Complex PTSD.  I have only been recently diagnosed.  Did the lifestyle bring it on, or was it simply that I had finally allowed myself to be vulnerable enough that the triggers could penetrate my defenses?  I will probably never know.  I’ve been in therapy for 3 years now and I still have so much to learn.  I hope that I can help others by sharing a few things I have discovered:

  1. PTSD is not only associated with veterans.  It also isn’t associated with all trauma victims.  It’s NOT something that I can control.  It is something that I can learn to live with. It’s not something to be ashamed of.  It doesn’t mean I am crazy.  Sharing with other sufferers helps validate my feelings.  Complex PTSD can cause you to believe:
  • Horrible things happen all the time.
  • There’s no way to prevent those horrible things from happening.
  • At any moment, we may be annihilated by one of those horrible things.
  • If we survive, it will only be to wait for the next horrible thing which will inevitably occur.

I don’t walk around consciously thinking those particular things. But those beliefs color my perceptions of the world, other people, myself, everything.

  1. I have triggers.  I can be triggered by anything that I associate from a past trauma.  I don’t even know what these may be.  No one can know what these may be.  It’s a mind field for the people that love me and it can be a warning to people that don’t.  My triggers are always mine.  No one is responsible for them but me.  Triggers are from MY past, things MY brain has flagged and marked.  If something someone does causes a trigger for me, that’s something that I deal with.  I hold no one responsible for my reactions.

 

  1. When I get triggered, I become severely dissociated. Sometimes I become catatonic…or sometimes I become unmanageable and irrational.  For people that love me, it’s extremely difficult to not take my dissociation personal and it’s very easy to misunderstand.  Sometimes I can’t communicate.  I have become lost in an emotional trip that my brain has used to protect me from a traumatic episode that I never dealt with.  Sometimes I communicate in scattered thoughts and urges to flee.  My anxiety level increases and rational thought becomes impossible.  While this is happening, I am not my present self…I am the emotional equivalent of the child that was traumatized.  Those that love me, have learned that I need to be grounded.  I need them to be my anchor.  I need them to push aside their feelings of self-blame and focus on helping me.  Those that don’t know me, I would hope that you would empathize and not personalize my strange behavior.  We are adults and that means we can choose how we react to others.  We can choose to not internalize other people’s problems.  It isn’t always about you.

Wikipedia definition:

In psychologydissociation is any of a wide array of experiences from mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experience. The major characteristic of all dissociative phenomena involves a detachment from reality, rather than a loss of reality as in psychosis.[1][2][3][4]

Dissociation is commonly displayed on a continuum.[5] In mild cases, dissociation can be regarded as a coping mechanism or defense mechanisms in seeking to master, minimize or tolerate stress – including boredom or conflict.[6][7][8] At the nonpathological end of the continuum, dissociation describes common events such as daydreaming while driving a vehicle. Further along the continuum are non-pathological altered states of consciousness.[5][9][10]

More pathological dissociation involves dissociative disorders, including dissociative fugue and depersonalization disorder with or without alterations in personal identity or sense of self. These alterations can include: a sense that self or the world is unreal (depersonalization and derealization); a loss of memory (amnesia); forgetting identity or assuming a new self (fugue); and fragmentation of identity or self into separate streams of consciousness (dissociative identity disorder, formerly termed multiple personality disorder) and complex post-traumatic stress disorder.[11][12]

Dissociative disorders are sometimes triggered by trauma, but may be preceded only by stress, psychoactive substances, or no identifiable trigger at all.[13] The ICD-10 classifies conversion disorder as a dissociative disorder.[5] The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders groups all dissociative disorders into a single category.[14]

Although some dissociative disruptions involve amnesia, other dissociative events do not.[15] Dissociative disorders are typically experienced as startling, autonomous intrusions into the person’s usual ways of responding or functioning. Due to their unexpected and largely inexplicable nature, they tend to be quite unsettling.

  1. My dissociation is NOT about the present, it’s NOT about YOU…it’s all me. This is MY problem and MY triggers.  I cannot control when I trigger, or how bad I will dissociate.  Loving me means understanding that and focusing on trying to ground me.  It’s difficult, when you love someone, to not believe that you are somehow at fault for their pain.  It is difficult to understand that you cannot avoid the triggers.  All you can do is recognize dissociate behavior, don’t take it personally and help me get back to the present.

Source for grounding techniques:

http://did-research.org/treatment/grounding.html

  1. Even if you know what is a trigger for me, I don’t expect you to change who you are to avoid that trigger.  I am still responsible for my reactions.  I still want to live a normal life. I strive to live a normal life.

Good ole’ Boy Network (GOBN)

People could draw a fine line between submission and oppression, if they didn’t really understand submission.

But who can say that they REALLY understand submission?  Each person’s desire to be submissive is individually their own.  No one submissive is the same as another.  They may share similar kinks, but their root desires are not the same.

Women fight an internal battle between being oppressed and being submissive.  Living in a male dominated society, fighting for equal rights, yet longing to give those rights to a trusted individual.  It’s a struggle that most don’t even see.  Transitioning from the vanilla world we reside in, to the kink world we desire is not always as seamless as we would like, and not everyone does it well.  You may work in a male dominated field, but come home to a Master/slave dynamic.  Or you may just go to a party or munch, after being the head of your household.  Being submissive after fighting for dominance all day, can be difficult.

Women also fight an external battle between being oppressed and being a bitch.  Society views men as the dominant species, leaders of the race.  Strength and intelligence doesn’t always factor into these views.  A male simply must be present.  A woman must fight for respect.  A woman must be assertive and aggressive to compete for dominance and be viewed as a leader.  A woman will never be invited into the inner sanctum I like to call, The Good ole’ Boys Network.

The GOBN (because acronyms are the thing) exists in every community.  It’s a man’s man club.  A woman will NEVER be a member of this club.  It exists because women have always been viewed as the weaker sex and men need to protect and dominate the weaker sex.  These are primal instincts that go back to creation (whatever your views of this are).

I thought, when I first entered the local community, that the GOBN wouldn’t be present here.  That the lifestyle, with its open views, would be exempt.  WRONG.  It exists everywhere.  If there are men and women, there will be a GOBN.

We all play a part in creating and maintaining this network.  Consciously or unconsciously, we feed the fire.  How many times have you looked for a DM or Host, expecting it to be a man?  How often do you expect a man to violate consent versus a woman?  When you look around a party, who do you consider the ones to be in control?  Just a glance…but if you were to really look…discard societies views…what would you see?  How many times has a man made a comment that was inappropriate, yet we don’t respond because we know, we will be viewed as a bitch if we don’t just politely respond.  We just gave them the power.

How often does a Host have a submissive doing a lion’s share of the work for a party, yet they are the ones that are given the most credit.  They viewed as leaders of the community.  They are given the keys to the city, so to speak.  The GOBN takes them in and the membership grows.   Yet they are only as strong as the submissives back that they rode to the top.  Without the power we give them, they would likely be just a man.

Watch…and listen.  The GOBN greetings…hard slaps to the back…firm handshakes.  All shows of dominance.  Listen to the discussions…power plays and dealings with problems in the community.  All going on around you.  Leaders making decisions in a GOBN.

Women should be able to be whatever they want to be.  We shouldn’t have to be aggressive to be viewed as leaders.  We are told, submissives hold all the power.  We CHOOSE to give the power away, usually to someone that exhibits more power.  We don’t have to give all our power away.  We can be a force of nature.  We can be a collective power, if we see our own potential.  If we rally together and stop allowing societies views to taint our own.

Stop fighting to enter the GOBN and let’s create our own.  Let’s stand up and show the world that submission doesn’t mean oppression, it means power.