Violate a Man’s consent? Pfftt…

Is that even possible?

Yes, men can have their consent violated…and they do.

Though men won’t usually report it, they have their consent violated a lot more than we think. Women and men, grab their ass and fondle their junk. They have their personal space invaded and hands roam their bodies…all without consent.

Why don’t they report it? Why don’t we hear about these instances? Why don’t they write about them, explaining why they felt violated and why they didn’t speak up? Why don’t they refuse to go to parties where their predator lurks?

Since I am not a man, I can only say what I have been told by men and can theorize about why they don’t come forward…

It’s not manly.
Men are taught to be strong and protectors. Feelings are for women and would make a man appear weak and womanly. Other men would tease and ridicule a man for coming forward. He may get his man card revoked.

The person was really good looking
They were almost flattered and took the touch as more of a compliment, than a violation. They simply changed their feelings about what happened , in order to get through the moment. It isn’t wrong, it is a choice.

It wasn’t a big deal.
They simply don’t care that much about simple touching. They didn’t consent to it, but they realize that the persons intent wasn’t meant to cause harm. They may write it off as a bratty sub, misbehaving. Or they may feel that since no permanent damage was done, they don’t need to bring it up.

No one believes them.
More often than not, men are the predators. So when a man reports a consent violation, they have to fight against the beliefs that they are physically stronger than women and therefore, less vulnerable. We simply don’t acknowledge that a woman can intimidate or violate a man. That old saying, “You can’t rape the willing”, implies that men cannot be violated without their consent.

No drama.
Men want to avoid the drama associated with reporting a consent violation. More often than not, a mistake on someone’s part is blown out of proportion and a persons reputation is ruined in the community. People are viewed as guilty of being a predator with little proof and must prove their innocence. Seeing other men go through a Fetlife firing squad, makes men refrain from reporting when they feel violated.

Feel free to add your theories and reasons…

STOP trying to measure your self worth

There is no measure of your worth. There is nothing to compare to, because there is only one YOU. There is nothing to measure against.

You can try…but you will always fall short. Because we are always looking out, not in.

Can you measure your worth based on others? No.

Can you measure your worth based on society? No.

Can you measure your worth based on the money you make? No.

Can you measure your worth based on the possessions you own? No.

When you feel like you aren’t worthy…when doubts start creeping in…that is your instincts telling you that you are in a situation that isn’t healthy. Don’t ignore your gut…listen closely because it knows your worth.

If you are fucking your mentor, they are not your mentor!

A mentor is an experienced and trusted adviser. Usually a mentor is older, but emotional growth can also be a factor.

Mentoring someone should be taken seriously by both parties. It should not be entered into lightly. There should be discussions and agreements between parties. Both people should have a clear understanding of what is involved and what are the goals. Without clear and defined goals and objectives, there will never be any progression.

It isn’t about teaching someone how to use their new toys or how to sit at someone’s feet. Mentoring is about every aspect of the lifestyle. It’s about guiding and advising. It’s about learning from someone that has experienced it and gaining information for personal growth. It’s about being open and self aware. It’s about taking the advice and applying it as it was intended.

A mentor is a “trusted” adviser. You need to trust that they have YOUR best interest at heart. You need to trust that there isn’t a hidden agenda. You need to trust that feedback is given openly and honestly. A mentor relationship that can develop is deep and meaningful, but it is not sexual. Once a relationship turns sexual, it changes the whole dynamic.

Here’s a good rule of thumb:

If you are fucking your mentor…they are NOT your mentor. They are…something else.

Good ole’ Boy Network (GOBN)

People could draw a fine line between submission and oppression, if they didn’t really understand submission.

But who can say that they REALLY understand submission?  Each person’s desire to be submissive is individually their own.  No one submissive is the same as another.  They may share similar kinks, but their root desires are not the same.

Women fight an internal battle between being oppressed and being submissive.  Living in a male dominated society, fighting for equal rights, yet longing to give those rights to a trusted individual.  It’s a struggle that most don’t even see.  Transitioning from the vanilla world we reside in, to the kink world we desire is not always as seamless as we would like, and not everyone does it well.  You may work in a male dominated field, but come home to a Master/slave dynamic.  Or you may just go to a party or munch, after being the head of your household.  Being submissive after fighting for dominance all day, can be difficult.

Women also fight an external battle between being oppressed and being a bitch.  Society views men as the dominant species, leaders of the race.  Strength and intelligence doesn’t always factor into these views.  A male simply must be present.  A woman must fight for respect.  A woman must be assertive and aggressive to compete for dominance and be viewed as a leader.  A woman will never be invited into the inner sanctum I like to call, The Good ole’ Boys Network.

The GOBN (because acronyms are the thing) exists in every community.  It’s a man’s man club.  A woman will NEVER be a member of this club.  It exists because women have always been viewed as the weaker sex and men need to protect and dominate the weaker sex.  These are primal instincts that go back to creation (whatever your views of this are).

I thought, when I first entered the local community, that the GOBN wouldn’t be present here.  That the lifestyle, with its open views, would be exempt.  WRONG.  It exists everywhere.  If there are men and women, there will be a GOBN.

We all play a part in creating and maintaining this network.  Consciously or unconsciously, we feed the fire.  How many times have you looked for a DM or Host, expecting it to be a man?  How often do you expect a man to violate consent versus a woman?  When you look around a party, who do you consider the ones to be in control?  Just a glance…but if you were to really look…discard societies views…what would you see?  How many times has a man made a comment that was inappropriate, yet we don’t respond because we know, we will be viewed as a bitch if we don’t just politely respond.  We just gave them the power.

How often does a Host have a submissive doing a lion’s share of the work for a party, yet they are the ones that are given the most credit.  They viewed as leaders of the community.  They are given the keys to the city, so to speak.  The GOBN takes them in and the membership grows.   Yet they are only as strong as the submissives back that they rode to the top.  Without the power we give them, they would likely be just a man.

Watch…and listen.  The GOBN greetings…hard slaps to the back…firm handshakes.  All shows of dominance.  Listen to the discussions…power plays and dealings with problems in the community.  All going on around you.  Leaders making decisions in a GOBN.

Women should be able to be whatever they want to be.  We shouldn’t have to be aggressive to be viewed as leaders.  We are told, submissives hold all the power.  We CHOOSE to give the power away, usually to someone that exhibits more power.  We don’t have to give all our power away.  We can be a force of nature.  We can be a collective power, if we see our own potential.  If we rally together and stop allowing societies views to taint our own.

Stop fighting to enter the GOBN and let’s create our own.  Let’s stand up and show the world that submission doesn’t mean oppression, it means power.

Shibari Classes

Club Ascension celebrates Michigan Happy Knots returning to the club!  MHK provides education and a social group environment for those attending to learn from each other.  They provide a 30 to 45 minute class on a specific type of tie for both beginner and advanced at the beginning of the evening.  Then allow people to break off and socialize and practice the tie they learned.  This gives people a way to share their knowledge, techniques, tips and tricks with others all while making friends.  This is for those who like to socialize and learn in large group type settings.  This group runs their event every other Wednesday at Club Ascension.  Check our Calendar for more information on dates this happens.

 

We also provide more private Shibari education for those interested in more hands-on intensive workshop type teaching.  We have 2 types of classes.  One is a small group of up to 10 in a class and the other is just direct 1 on 1 instruction.  You can choose what fits your needs.  The small group intensive classes run for 4 weeks, 2 hours per class per week.   They pack a ton of information and knowledge into them and give you a great launching ground to begin your journey.  They are perfect for those who want to learn with less distraction from large crowds.  Additionally, we offer  private 1 on 1 instruction on an hourly basis and scheduled completely by appointment.

Follow the link if you want to know more or schedule a class

Just your average ordinary everyday dude….